Katy Mok – Certified Counselor and Mindfulness Trainer
Do we really not get along with our colleagues, family, or friends? Or does the other person really have a personality problem?
Have you ever considered that often, simply improving communication methods can greatly enhance relationships? In the process of psychological counseling, I firmly believe that developing deep listening skills towards others is crucial in personal life and work, whether it is maintaining marriage, parent-child relationships, workplace communication, or caring for family members who are physically unwell. Let’s look at how to apply this skill in daily life, with some examples to illustrate.
1.Active Listening
First, American psychologist Carl Rogers advocates for "active listening." This involves repeating the important points you hear and gently seeking clarification from the other person when something is unclear.
Example:
Suppose your partner is talking about work-related stress. You might say, “It sounds like you’ve been feeling a lot of pressure at work lately. Is it because the project is behind schedule or for some other reason?” Such a response not only expresses your concern but also encourages the other person to share their feelings more deeply.
2.Setting Aside Our Automatic Reactions
Deep listening requires a more open mindset. Temporarily set aside automatic thoughts and be open to receiving whatever the other person wants to express.
Example:
Imagine your friend is feeling down because they just lost a beloved pet. At this moment, you can choose to sit quietly and let them share their feelings instead of rushing to provide comfort or solutions. You might ask, “What do you feel is the hardest part?” Such a question can help them open up and express deeper emotions.
3. Slowing Down Communication and Focusing on the Present Moment
When we slow down, we give ourselves space to relax those rehearsed thoughts in our minds and be open to what is happening in the
moment.
Example:
When children are arguing loudly over toys, as a parent, you can take a deep breath and say, “I know everyone wants to play with this toy. Can you tell me your feelings first?” After listening, you can gradually discuss solutions with them. This not only helps to calm the situation but also teaches children to express their needs.
4. Avoiding Judgment and Not Rushing to Provide Solutions
Avoid jumping to conclusions too quickly, as everyone has their reasons or struggles behind their actions.
Example:
If a colleague presents a viewpoint in a meeting that differs from yours, even if you initially disagree, you don’t need to rush to refute it. Instead, you could say, “I’d like to understand your thoughts. Can you elaborate?” This can foster a deeper discussion. Here’s another example: if your partner complains, “Our relationship seems to have grown cold,” rather than immediately suggesting more date nights, you might first ask, “What do you think has caused this feeling?”
5. Affirming the Other Person’s Good Intentions
For instance, if your child is watching YouTube at home after school, you might say, “I noticed you’re watching YouTube after school. Maybe you’re tired after class, and this is your way of relaxing, right?” Then, discuss how to arrange their time appropriately.
6. Reflecting the Other Person’s Feelings and Sharing Your Own
Try to understand both parties' feelings, which helps to build a deeper connection. Remember to share feelings as well, not just facts.
Example:
If a friend tells you they feel lonely, you might respond, “It sounds like you’ve been feeling a bit lonely lately, and that’s been hard for you, right?” During the conversation, you can appropriately share your own experiences, such as, “I’ve had similar feelings before, and I felt really confused at that time.”
7. Maintaining Curiosity About the Other Person’s Values and Needs
Try to go beyond surface-level exchanges and seek to understand the other person’s values and what they truly desire.
Example:
If your friend mentions wanting to change jobs, ask, “What kind of job would be ideal for you? What do you value the most?” This can guide them to think more deeply.
8. Seeking Win-Win Solutions
Based on fully listening to and understanding both parties' needs, openly discuss possible solutions that can meet both sides’ needs.
Example:
In a family context, after deep listening, you can discuss together: “We all want more quality time together. What kind of arrangements could balance everyone’s work and life?”
Whether in family or workplace settings, through deep listening, we can build stronger and healthier relationships. This not only promotes understanding but also enhances trust and connection between each other
